Perfection is a Toilet Bowl
by ImSoAwesome
Summary: Weiss Schnee was having a good life... until the day she dropped her toothbrush into the toilet. Nothing has been the same since.


It was another day for Weiss Schnee.

As usual, she was the first one awake - a lifetime of schedules trained her to always be proactive. Beacon was the start of her career - the foundation of what would make her into an exemplary Huntress. It was a long road ahead.

And it all started with getting cleaned up in the morning.

Extreme care was paramount in dental and all other forms of hygiene. A clean mind was key, but a clean body was even more so. Each pluck of an eyelash was calculated - setting a balanced ratio that would make her appearance sharp. Make-up but not too much, a bit of powder, a little gloss - ensuring her smile won the hearts of all those who gazed upon her.

But what came just as, if not more importantly than her lips, was her teeth.

She'd settle for nothing less than white, not a smidge or chip would be found. So clean in fact, her hair would gaze at them longing to be as beautiful. Any less was unbecoming of a Schnee - it spoke of laziness, uncouth care and a disregard of personal integrity.

Weiss Schnee would never submit to such things.

The girl ran her toothbrush over the warm water, popping the cap of the cool toothpaste as she prepared to slay the germs that dared to soil her mouth.

Then she heard her scroll buzz.

She reached for it but fumbled as carrying the scroll and the toothpaste proved uneven. The scroll almost slipped out of her hand - sensing this, the girl reached out with both hands to save the device. But she'd let go of the toothbrush, the tiny object clattering in the sink.

Its momentum carried it farther.

The toothbrush flew out of the sink. Weiss might not have been too worried, it could have landed on the floor, which was not the biggest deal.

But the toilet seat was up.

"No, no, no!"

The toothbrush clattered into the bowl, sinking into the water.

"Ugh!" Weiss stomped her foot with a huff. A minor annoyance at most, but she couldn't help but feel like the toothbrush was mocking her. Laughing at her mistake.

It mattered not, she had spares.

This would not hinder a healthy and productive day for Weiss Schnee.

* * *

Another day, another early morning.

Routine demanded it, and to her surprise, Ruby was also up - they were going to try and get some training in with Team JNPR today. Ruby's idea. Weiss smiled to herself a little, she was proud to see that her leader was taking an active approach to focus on their Huntsman training. She'd be a great leader in time.

 _And I will be an even greater teammate._

Weiss promised herself this, taking the brush along her beautiful hair in preparation for the day. Sure, it was the weekend. but not a single day could pass that Weiss Schnee didn't ensure she looked as close to perfect as possible. She couldn't falter. Her image, nay, the reputation of her company would one day rest on her shoulders.

In order to bring it out of the muck, Weiss had to be invincible in every way.

So, with purpose, she brushed through her locks as she walked into the bathroom. With hair a long as hers, the mirror would help her ensure every strand was brushed.

"Hey, Weiss, can you help me with my blazer?" Her leader asked suddenly.

Weiss shook her head at seeing the girl fumble with her outfit. "Ruby, I've shown you a million times."

Ruby frowned. "Yeah, but I still don't get it… is it this button first?"

"Ugh, fine."

Weiss set down her hairbrush on Blake's bed. It was annoying, but part of her job as a good teammate was to help with the shortcomings of her team. Her hair would wait a minute.

She wished she'd known it was a minute too long.

"Wakey-wakey, Blakey!" Yang hollered as she swung down from her own bed, landing roughly on her partner.,

"What the hell, Yang!" Blake screeched.

Weiss shook her head. They really didn't need this madness so early in the morning, but it was as she was doing so that she caught the hairbrush sailing over her head. Yang's sudden landing, no doubt. It was fine though, it would just land on the ground. And it did.

But it didn't stop.

Somehow the kinetic force of its fall not only kicked it off the ground, but the cursed thing bounced off the wall and then rolled across the dresser.

"What the -?" Weiss went after it, but the thing was too fast. With vigor, the brush smashed against the door of the bathroom, bounding right off.

It landed right in the toilet.

"WHAT!?"

Weiss gaped like a fish, staring at the brush swimming the water as though she had no clue what it even was. What in Bleiss's name was going on? How in Ozpin's coffee addiction did that just happen?

"Damn, chill Weiss," Yang reprimanded with a raised finger, "It's a little early to be shouting isn't it?" Weiss had to give Yang some credit, she remained blissfully unaware of the death glare Blake had on her.

Still, it didn't spare Weiss's day. She'd had a spare toothbrush, but not a spare hairbrush. She would need to go into Vale to get a new one - today. Right after school, training and tutoring Ruby. Just great.

"Weiss, I still can't figure this out!" Ruby complained.

"Hey, I found Blake's porn!" Yang ran about the room, waving a magazine about much like how the man on the cover waved about his… extremities.

"It's not - hey, don't touch that!" Blake gave chase, knocking over her bookshelf in the process.

The heiress pinched her temple.

* * *

Weiss had a long day. But she was glad it was over.

It was time to get back in her dorm, lay down and take a short nap. She worked herself to the bone, as what would be expected of her. In classes and in training, she was in the top of the class - due not only to her natural talent and ability, but because she put all the work in to make her successes hers and hers alone.

Talent was good only when coupled by hard work.

She felt she deserved a bit of a break.

She unlocked the dorm with her scroll, the cool air hitting her face was beyond welcome and she felt like she could take it all in forever. Yang and Ruby went into Vale and Blake was doing... Blake things. Meaning, for the next few hours, Weiss had the solitude and silence of the dorm all to herself.

Thank Salem.

The girl plopped onto her bed, placing her scroll on the dresser as she inhaled the scent of fresh sheets. Its aroma so soothing, it practically rocked her to sleep. Then something clattered on the floor.

"Wha - no!"

But it was already on the run. The scroll, like a runaway wheel, dashed toward the bathroom.

Weiss was on her feet immediately. "Get back here!"

But it chose to ignore her, beelining right for the door, but Weiss was faster. She flipped over the scroll, landing right in front of it and kicking the open door closed. The scroll stopped right in front of her.

Weiss looked smugly at the device, daring it to try and challenge her again. She was Weiss Schnee. Fool her once, shame on you. Fool her twice... also shame on you! But to fool her thrice? No man, no creature, no _device,_ would ever have the pleasure.

"You can do nothing now. So come quietly and - ack!"

Like a punch, her scroll clocked her in the face, staggering the poor rich girl. Weiss tried to react quickly, but it was too late.

The scroll... somehow... opened the door and flew inside.

"Don't do this to me!" Weiss was almost in tears, fearing for the worst as she chased after her beloved scroll.

She stood at the doorway, looking at the scroll as it regarded her. There was sadness in its screen, the way it tilted forward showed that it was hesitant - unsure of what to do.

"It doesn't have to be this way... there is so much to live for." Weiss said gently.

The scroll turned away.

"I'm not just saying that..." Weiss stepped a little closer, glad to see the scroll had yet to move, "We've been through a lot together, haven't we? The viruses, the late payments?"

It looked back at her.

"We even had to switch from CT wireless to Horizon mobile - five hundred lien for a payment plan. That didn't include unlimited minutes! That was ridiculous, wasn't it?"

Her scroll nodded.

"But I did it for you."

It looked back up, trembling like it would break into tears.

"We've watched movies together, taken pictures - and of course, you always been there to track my aura when I needed you the most. Because of you, I can talk to my sister whenever I want to. That makes me really happy, Scroll-chan."

But the scroll turned away again, it was like he couldn't face her. Ashamed of itself somehow. Weiss wouldn't give up on him.

She hadn't given up on her team, so she would not give up on her personal scroll. Who had been with her through every negative signal and ride through a tunnel - whose fruit ninja games kept her entertained even in the darkest of times. They were in this together.

"If you come back with me, we can listen to classic concerto together."

It looked up at her hopefully.

"Yes, really. All day if you want."

His screen gave no smile, mostly because it was a screen. But he giddily hopped about like it was the best day ever, and Weiss smiled. She was happy for it, and she was fully committed to making him happy.

Nothing would separate her from him. They were friends, two peas in a pod, husbando and waifu. Their bond was sacred and special to Weiss.

And then, Scroll-chan jumped too high. Too much to the left.

"SCROLL-CHAN!"

The scroll clattered into the toilet bowl, and then it ceased to move. But Weiss didn't care about getting her hands dirty, gently pulling her friend out of it. So what about the germs! She needed to be here for him!

"No, please don't go..." Weiss whispered, "My bill is coming up and I get an extra fine for water damage! You can't go like this!"

No response.

Weiss cried as she visualized the ridiculous overpriced charges that would undoubtedly be made to her scroll bill.

* * *

"Weiss, are you okay?"

No, she was not.

The girl was dressed in the Atlesian special ops uniform, in one hand a bullet shield and in the other… a plunger. A protective helmet covered her head, to protect her from any retaliation as she walked into the cafeteria with her friends. But her teammates were concerned, that she knew for sure.

They should have believed her when she told them what happened then!

"She's being cautious cuz she keeps dropping stuff into the toilet." Yang snickered.

"It is not funny, Yang. This is a very serious situation!" Weiss said, miffed. Clutching the plunger close to her chest - she didn't know why, but she felt safe with it.

"Oh you are serious. Seriously clumsy! And I thought Ruby was bad."

Ruby nodded. "You know it's bad if you're clumsier than me. Or worse, _Jaune._ "

"Hmph!" Weiss stomped away, "The three of you are no help!"

"Wait, Weiss, we didn't mean -

But as Weiss turned back around, wondering why she'd even bother to hear Ruby out, she saw the danger.

A banana peel.

Weiss gaze drifted in the moment of slow-mo. How had the banana peel gotten there? But then she saw it. Him.

Sun.

He was looking back at her. A cheeky grin up as he watched the scene unfold. The fool! Did he not realize what he had done!?

"Rooooobeeeee!" Weiss's voice got deeper and slower. A metaphysical representation of the intensity of this moment, where Ruby's foot inched closer to the banana peel. Weiss threw out her arms to save her lov - I mean, partner.

She was too late.

"Whoa!" Ruby slipped, carting into the air and wildly spinning more times than the logical force of the slip should've allowed.

And then she hit the ground. It hurt. "Ugh."

"Ruby! Are you okay!?" Weiss rushed to help her up.

"Yeah, I'm okay... I just slipped, that's all." Ruby looked at them with confusion.

"You don't... feel weird?"

"No, I mean... my chest hurts now but I'm fine."

Thank goodness, Weiss had feared for the worst. She honestly believed something worse would have happened.

"Wait, whaaats going on!?"

Weiss looked up just in time to see Ruby suspended in the air by an invisible force. The girl flailing about to try and get back to solid ground. Professor Goodwitch's semblance? No, she wasn't even here.

This was something else.

Something evil.

"Catch her!" Weiss called to Yang and Blake.

Ruby was hurtled across the room, tumbling on the ground and rolling away much like a dough roller. Weiss gave chase, Blake and Yang yelling behind her, wanting to know what was going on. But there was no time, she had to get to her partner before it was all over.

Ruby bounced off the floor like a basketball, crashing onto a table before being dragged across it. Her hands clawed for a grip, but her attempts bore no fruit. Because the only thing she'd been able to grab was a cucumber.

"W-Weiss! Help me!"

"I'm coming, Ruby!"

The girl shrieked as food and tableware was splattered onto her, decorating her body like she was walking… or well, flying, splatter paint art. Some people were knocked into the air by the sheer force of her whirling body - tables flipped off their feet, food exploding randomly. It was a supernatural disaster.

"Weiss, what is this!?" Yang caught up, following her sister's trajectory as she was jerked about.

"It's the toilet."

"What? You can't be -

Weiss grabbed Yang by the collar, dragging her down to meet her eyes. "It's the goddamn toilet, Yang!"

The blonde hesitated for a second, but then nodded. She finally understood. Good.

They'd face this evil together.

"She's getting away!" Blake pointed.

"How could I be getting away!?" Ruby hollered back, "I'm the one being kidnapped!"

The details didn't matter, Weiss broke into full speed, drawing her plunger. "It's headed for the dorm! Hurry!"

The three chased down their leader, watching as the red girl bulleted about like a flipped coin. Those that saw wondered just what in the fuck was going on, but instead of helping save a flying girl, these trained warriors went about their day as usual. Ruby burst through the doors of the dorm building, Weiss and friends close behind.

"We're so close! Hurry!"

Ruby rolled right into a collective group of ten students, arranged like a triangle with Cardin dead center.

They saw human pinball coming, yet they didn't run. Why? Cardin wailed out the answer. "Goddamn you, fanbase!"

The fanbase hated Cardin, so naturally he was subject to be the punching bag in pretty much any scenario. This time was no exception.

Ruby barreled right into them, knocking them all into the air like the metaphorical bowling pins they were. And the last person flew up, Jaune Arc, had a baseball flying at him. He pulled back his cap, then winded up the bat. Swinging hard, he hit home.

"Strike!"

A strike indeed, the ball sped toward Weiss, but she ducked just in time. Yang dodged as well, but Blake was not so fortunate. The ball bitch slapped her so hard it made her rethink her slapping Sun in Vol 5.

Anyway, Ruby had not stopped, but Yang and Weiss were quickly catching up.

"Oof! Ouch! Owie! Character Development!" The girl squealed with each hit against the bumpers. Lights and sounds went off in conjunctions with each blow, and she even managed to beat Velvet's high score.

The bunny was so upset about it that she joined the White Fang.

"HEEEELP!" Ruby cried as she flew toward her destination, but Weiss was close. She was going to save her.

The toilet bowl would not win today!

The door was closed, and the only way through was with their scroll. They'd won! At least, Weiss had thought so.

Ruby crashed straight through the wooden door, her voice so shrill it was no wonder that getting hit by a fireball was more funny than shocking.

"Ruby!" Weiss dived for her leader.

This young girl, the lead of their world. Who inspired hope in everyone simply by existing. Whose Silver Eyes were so important that no one bothered to teach her about it. Whose presence as a main character was greater than trash characters like herself and Yang.

Weiss had to save her, but sadly, Ruby flew to the bathroom. The door was wide open.

"NOOOOOO!"

The seat magically flew open, and Ruby's face landed right into it. Bubbles gurgled up, and she laid there defeated.

"Ruby!" Weiss flipped into the bathroom for no reason, landing in a perfect split before taking Ruby into her arms. Her hair and face were wet, and she seemed to drift in an out of consciousness.

"W-Weiss...?"

"I'm here, Ruby."

"Me too, Rubes." Yang ran up to them.

"Fuck outta here, Yang." Ruby said with a snap of her fingers.

"Huh? Wait!" Yang's body quickly began to disintegrate, but the plot stopped just to hear her out, "I guess you could say got Pyrrha'd!"

Yang's burst into dust.

And with her filling the quota of a main character being turned to ash, Pyrrha got more interesting character flaws and traits that fleshed her out as a well-rounded and engaging protagonist.

"Weiss, thank you... for trying to save me." Ruby coughed, now wearing a hospital gown. Her head was completely bald, and she struggled to hold onto the last vestiges of life.

"I'd always come to save you, Ruby. Always."

"Here."

Ruby handed something to her, and Weiss gasped as she saw it. "A... a toothbrush?"

"Yes, it was mine. I want you to use it now."

"That's incredibly unsanitary, Ruby."

"Weiss, I know you can do some good with it."

"It's a toothbrush, though…"

"And I know... that things are hard, but you'll be able to make it through. Because everything should be good, all the time. Sometimes we just need a line or two to pick us up after hard days, just a few words... or maybe a lot. _Definitely_ a lot of inspirational words. So long as we work together, and never give up, we can -

"Okay, okay," Weiss cut her off, "That's enough, I need you to be strong for me, Ruby. I'll take you to the infirmary, you'll be fine."

"No, Weiss, it's over for me."

Weiss broke into tears. "Ruby, please don't say that! Don't be like Scroll-chan!"

"It's okay, Weiss... it's okay... its..." Ruby's speech came to an end, and she fell limp in Weiss's arms.

"Nooooo!"

Weiss didn't know if she'd ever get over Ruby's death, but she did know this.

Ruby was right.

Maybe the toilet bowl had won today, but she'd ensure it didn't win again. No villain would. Because villains shouldn't win all the time in anime. She had to stay strong, keep up hope in this dark world. Weiss stood to her feet, resolve renewed - and with Ruby's toothbrush in hand, she'd ensure that this evil toilet never won again!

She swore it on Ruby's life!

"Weiss!" Winter called from somewhere, "Do not forget to brush your teeth!"

"U-uh, yes, sister!"

Weiss ran the toothbrush under war water, ready to start her new purpose and motivation in life with fresh breath and clean teeth. But then her scroll rang. She reached for it.

Ruby's toothbrush fell out of her hand, it clattered on the floor.

Then landed in the toilet.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

* * *

 **So remember kids, don't try to be perfect. Or you'll end up like Weiss.**

 **Once again, this is just me being stupid and writing something that reflects that stupidity. It is not meant to be taken seriously, in case you don't get it.**

 **Anyway, later.**

 **ISA**


End file.
